Writing Lab: showing and telling in "Offside" by Savage7289

The first advice you get when you try to write a story is "show, don't tell."

You have a plot, you think that your characters have a very interesting path to go, and you're ready to follow them on it, step by step.

You already have your good reasons to write and read your story and probably your best friend will read it too - if (s)he's a very kind friend, but if you want to involve other readers, you must provide them their good reasons to spend their time reading your stuff.

Keep in mind that readers don't like to be schooled: e.g., if you say that a character is a jerk, you are telling your readers how they are supposed to feel; you are giving them your opinions. Instead, if you show your character acting in a jerkish way, your readers will decide on their own how they judge your character's behavior.

Let's see it through an example:

• Offside, by Savage7289

Here's the summary:

"Edward's the star keeper for the Forks High School soccer team, and is already being scouted by leagues overseas. Bella's just moved from Phoenix and interferes with his…focus."

It's updated at least once a day and some thousands (yep, thousands, check her reviews if you don't trust me and add your own comment) readers jump on their seats every time she posts a new chapter.

Why?

There are many reasons, of course, but I think that Offside is also a very good example of showing vs. telling.

Let's read this passage (chapter 7, EPOV)

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"My house was quiet and empty when I got there, so I cooked and devoured a pizza from the freezer, quickly finishing up my homework, and then pulled out my sketchbook. I had a couple hours before Dad would be home, and I was almost done with the goalie picture. Just a few changes here and there – deepening the shades, softening the angles. When I was done I pulled it out of the book and neatly trimmed the edges.

It actually looked pretty good, I thought. I narrowed my eyes at the paper, looking at it from different sides for a minute. I wondered if Ms. Denali would like it…I mean, it was

still a fucking soccer picture. Is that art? I shook my head a little before sticking it into my homework folder and placing everything into my book bag. I hauled the bag back downstairs and deposited it on the floor in the kitchen.

[...Dad arrives at home...]

"Edward! Get down here!"

Shit, what now?

I unlocked the door and headed back down the stairs.

"Yeah, Dad?" I asked as I walked into the kitchen where he was chowing down on Chinese food. My book bag was open, and my homework folder was sitting in the middle of the table.

"What the fuck is this?" he asked, shoving the sketch I had just finished over towards me.

Shit shit shit.

"Um…"

"That's not a fucking answer," he growled.

Might as well get it over with.

"I went for the art class instead of study hall," I told him. I tried to brush it off. "Another easy A for my senior year…ya know?"

"Goddamnit, Edward!" He slammed his hand down on the table, and I cringed.

"You should be out on the fucking field during that time! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"My last period is open," I told him.

"And I go to the field at lunch, I figured-"

"Bullshit," he snapped. I started to reach for the sketch, realizing too late how big a mistake that was. He grabbed it, tore it up, and crumpled the pieces in his hand. "You don't focus on this shit. Soccer, asshole. You focus on soccer, and that's it, you hear me? You think Real Volturi is going to want to look at your fucking coloring?"

"No, Dad," I admitted. He shoved the torn paper into the bag of empty soy sauce packets and fortune cookies before tossing it in the garbage can.

"Drop that fucking art class tomorrow."

My stomach tightened up into a nice little ball of pizza dough or whatever, but I swallowed hard and replied.

"Okay."

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OK, wipe your tears.

What do we see?

1) Edward likes drawing.

Did Savage tell us that?

Nope.

But if you don't like drawing, you don't spend two hours doing it and wondering about what your art teacher will think about your work.

2) Edward's dad is a jerk.

Did Savage tell us that?

Nope.
But she showed him yelling and growling at his son, without a reason (unless you are on his side, but this would be another story...) and destroying his work.

3) Savage makes us feel Edward's passion while drawing: she doesn't say "he finished his soccer picture," but makes us see him doing it ("deepening the shades, softening the angles"). We can empathize, thinking about ourselves putting time and effort in something we love.

4) Savage makes us feel Edward's pain: "My stomach tightened up into a nice little ball of pizza dough or whatever, but I swallowed hard and replied." If we have ever experienced the same feeling, we can empathize with Edward and feel sorry for him. It seems that Edward's dad is destroying our own picture.

Let's try to tell the same scene:

"Edward spent two hours finishing a picture and enjoyed it very much. His father didn't appreciated it because he thought that Edward's focus must be on his soccer practice and destroyed the picture."

The facts are the same, but don't elicit the same reaction, right?

Even more telling and less showing: "Edward's dad is a jerk and he doesn't threat his son well."

No tears at all this time, are there?

This week's writing tip is: read Offside and underline every passage that makes you cry, laugh, hold your breath (it's a story that will make you underline many passages...)

Then write down what do the underlined passage tell (eg "Edward misses..." "Edward loves..." -- you have to read the story to find out who is Edward missing or loving LOL ) and notice the differences between telling and showing.

At this point, you may try to write your own scenes, e.g., try to write the scene above showing a caring dad who encourages Edward to pursuit his artistic career. You can share it in the comments to this post, too.

I've made a blinkie for Offside, you can see and grab it here: http://myreadinglounge.blogspot.com/2011/06/blinkie-offside-meet-soccerward.html

If you read this fic, don't forget to tell the author that Raum sent you and say  "Ciao" from me! Thanks!